Month: May 2017

And another (hidden) thing 

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It’s Mental Health Awareness Week and as I unfortunately didn’t get round to blogging about MS Awareness Week and Stationery Week (yes it’s really a thing!) last month, I thought I would give this a go.

Mental health is complicated. Like physical health everyone is different. There have been many campaigns about healthy eating, taking regular exercise, stopping smoking all in order to improve our physical health. So it’s good to see that there are starting to be campaigns about mental health too. However, there does still seem to be a stigma surrounding mental health issues. Of all the things I’ve shared in my blogs, it is this one that I have approached with the most trepidation, but as it is estimated that 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health difficulty at some point, I’m hoping it will turn out my fears were unfounded.

I have struggled with anxiety since I was in my teens. Back then I didn’t realise it was anxiety, but that’s what it was. Going into my 20’s it didn’t improve. In fact it got worse as I had a whole load of things to be anxious about! New jobs. New city. New husband. New house. New MS diagnosis… All perfectly ‘valid’ reasons to be anxious. However, the problem with anxiety is that the body’s reaction to a situation is not proportionate to the ‘threat’ that is perceived by the mind. So for example, to have a pounding heart, dry mouth, feeling like you’re going to pass out is a completely acceptable reaction to meeting a tiger in the street or a burglar in your kitchen. However, to have the same physical response to leaving the house or going out for a meal? Not so much.

The mind is a powerful thing and often worries and fears can escalate without being conscious that it is happening. If the underlying level of anxiety is high then the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in with a huge surge of adrenaline in the body causing a very physical reaction. It can be hugely debilitating and very frightening. The pounding heart, feeling faint, struggling for breath, cold sweats, feeling sick all come out of nowhere and it’s particularly scary when it happens at night and wakes you from sleep. It’s often not even conscious, but the physical reaction of being faced with a rampaging lion has kicked in nonetheless!

The triggers can vary enormously and can be obvious or subtle. It can be a reaction to a specific situation or a more generalised state of anxiety.
The difficulty with having a chronic condition like MS is the unpredictability of it, which if you are already prone to anxiety is not a winning combination. So every time a new symptom appears or a previous symptom returns it’s easy to fear the worst! Is this the beginning of a relapse? Am I getting worse? Am I going to be able to manage what I need to do? Or actually. with my rational head on, is it a symptom that will eventually fade or I will learn to cope with or did I actually do too much yesterday and not get much sleep last night? It can go either way, but as stress can make MS worse it’s easy to get caught in a downward spiral of negative, anxious thoughts.

So what to do? Well I’m not a huge fan of medication, so decided not to go down that route, but was offered the chance to go and see a neuropsychologist by the MS nurse. You see the other complication with MS is that as it’s a neurogical condition it doesn’t just affect how the body works, but it can also affect how the mind works too. So whether my anxiety was caused by the MS or not, a psychologist may be able to help. I was reluctant at first as I’d had previous experiences of counselling and CBT which hadn’t been very successful, but decided to give it a go. I had nothing to lose. So a couple of years ago I started to see Dr M. She was a remarkably young (or is that just a sign of me getting old!) but incredibly competent and compassionate psychologist who listened to me and suggested things that might help. So what did I learn?

Firstly, to give myself a break! To try not to be the ‘people-pleaser’ I naturally want to be and to learn to say no. That doesn’t mean I lose my compassion or care any less, but to choose more carefully what I agree to do or volunteer for. To have permission to not try and do everything that everyone asks of me (or that I perceive they expect of me).
Secondly, to have contingency plans. To have a group of friends who I know I can ask if I need help if I’m not up to doing something. Who can offer lifts or get shopping or post me a letter. It’s much easier not to worry if you have a Plan B!

Thirdly, mindfulness. Now I’ve always been a bit sceptical of this kind of thing, but the psychologist recommended a book called ‘Mindfulness, a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world’ by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. It’s an 8 week course in book form that comes with a CD of meditations/excercises. The idea is you read a chapter a week and practice the exercises daily. I remained sceptical. For the first 2 weeks I read the chapters and did the excercises and I felt ridiculous! I found the man’s voice on the audio highly irritating and I found my mind wandered…a lot! The book did say to expect this and I went back to the psychologist after 2 weeks and declared I felt no different. She encouraged me to stick with it…and gradually over the next fortnight I did start to feel different. The meditations were not so difficult and the man was slightly less irritating. I began to notice that my underlying anxiety was a bit less and the intense panicky feelings were less frequent. I stuck with it and the benefits continued to be apparent. My general anxiety continued to lessen and my mood improved. I felt more in control.
The problem with mindfulness, like many other treatments or therapies, is that you have to keep doing it (a bit like needing to finish a course of antibiotics even though the earache has gone) and I’ve not been so good at that!

So, am I fixed? Absolutely not. Do I have some tools to help me manage the anxiety better? Definitely.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re struggling with thoughts and feelings. Talk to a friend initially if that’s easier for you. Speak to your GP or a specialist nurse if you have one and maybe try mindfulness and relaxation too, you might just be surprised, but most of all don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. It can happen to anyone and there are lots of things that can help. You are not alone.

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Anniversary

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Twenty years ago today, at the tender age of 22, I married a very tall, 36 year old Yorkshireman. And this is the fourth year I have spent my wedding anniversary alone since my husband died. It is an odd feeling to have a date that has been so special for the two of us for so many years and to now spend it on my own. So how do I or should I even mark it now that he’s gone? The vows we exchanged said ‘Til death do us part’, so should I stop counting now?

I find it a really strange one. On the one hand I want to remember the happy day we celebrated with friends and family, in the pretty dress, dodging the rain, but on the other hand it is hard to look back on those happy times alone, without my other half to share it with.

So what to do? Ignore it? Mark it in some way? Stay in bed, pull the curtains and shut the world out sobbing into my duvet? All completely valid options I reckon. Well, for me, the first year I just wanted to be busy. I didn’t want to think. I went away to visit family and we had a packed day visiting the James Bond exhibition in London (which hubby would’ve completely approved of!) The second year I was recovering from a relapse so couldn’t do anything much. Last year I was calming my son for day 2 of Sats and then had my hair done. Every year has been different, but I always take him flowers. 

Don’t get me wrong, my husband wasn’t overly into romantic gestures when it came to our anniversary. It’s not like I’m missing the candlelit dinners and surprise presents, but he did always get me a card and flowers (and maybe a croissant for breakfast) and we did always reminisce. About how he was forced to tie his waistcoat up with butchers string from the hotel kitchen and that one of our guests arrived at the church at the same time as me! How a bridesmaid stood on the train of my dress as we were leaving the church and I thought it had ripped right off and how all the guests from the South wondered why on earth you would want the option of eating cheese with the apple pie at the reception! (Still no clue…it’s a Northern thing…like chips and gravy!) but it’s not the same reminiscing on my own. 

This year I don’t have any plans really. I will buy my own yellow roses and take some to the cemetery for him. I might look through the wedding photos and marvel at how young we look…how my young bridesmaids are all grown up now (some with families of their own) and as the traditional gift for a 20th wedding anniversary is china, maybe I’ll treat myself to some new pots for the kitchen or a new vase for the flowers. 

So I will still keep counting, keep remembering, keep marking the day, but it will be forever 16…

Mental Health Awareness Week

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It’s Mental Health Awareness Week and as I unfortunately didn’t get round to blogging about MS Awareness Week and Stationery Week (yes it’s really a thing!) last month, I thought I would give this a go.

Mental health is complicated. Like physical health everyone is different. There have been many campaigns about healthy eating, taking regular exercise, stopping smoking all in order to improve our physics health. So it’s good to see that there are starting to be campaigns about mental health too. However, there does still seem to be a stigma surrounding mental health issues. Of all the things I’ve shared in my blogs, it is this one that I have approached with the most trepidation, but as it is estimated that 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health difficulty at some point, I’m hoping it will turn out my fears were unfounded. 

I have struggled with anxiety since I was in my teens. Back then I didn’t realise it was anxiety, but that’s what it was. Going into my 20’s it didn’t improve. In fact it got worse as I had a whole load of things to be anxious about! New jobs. New city. New husband. New house. New MS diagnosis… All perfectly ‘valid’ reasons to be anxious. However, the problem with anxiety is that the body’s reaction to a situation is not proportionate to the ‘threat’ that is perceived by the mind. So for example, to have a pounding heart, dry mouth, feeling like you’re going to pass out is a completely acceptable reaction to meeting a tiger in the street or a burglar in your kitchen. However, to have the same physical response to leaving the house or going out for a meal? Not so much. 

The mind is a powerful thing and often worries and fears can escalate without being conscious that it is happening. If the underlying level of anxiety is high then the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in with a huge surge of adrenaline in the body causing a very physical reaction. It can be hugely debilitating and very frightening. The pounding heart, feeling faint, struggling for breath, cold sweats, feeling sick all come out of nowhere and it’s particularly scary when it happens at night and wakes you from sleep. It’s often not even conscious, but the physical reaction of being faced with a rampaging lion has kicked in nonetheless!

The triggers can vary enormously and can be obvious or subtle. It can be a reaction to a specific situation or a more generalised state of anxiety. 

The difficulty with having a chronic condition like MS is the unpredictability of it, which if you are already prone to anxiety is not a winning combination. So every time a new symptom appears or a previous symptom returns it’s easy to fear the worst! Is this the beginning of a relapse? Am I getting worse? Am I going to be able to manage what I need to do? Or actually. with my rational head on, is it a symptom that will eventually fade or I will learn to cope with or did I actually do too much yesterday and not get much sleep last night? It can go either way, but as stress can make MS worse it’s easy to get caught in a downward spiral of negative, anxious thoughts.

So what to do? Well I’m not a huge fan of medication, so decided not to go down that route, but was offered the chance to go and see a neuropsychologist by the MS nurse. You see the other complication with MS is that as it’s a neurogical condition it doesn’t just affect how the body works, but it can also affect how the mind works too. So whether my anxiety was caused by the MS or not, a psychologist may be able to help. I was reluctant at first as I’d had previous experiences of counselling and CBT which hadn’t been very successful, but decided to give it a go. I had nothing to lose. So a couple of years ago I started to see Dr M. She was a remarkably young (or is that just a sign of me getting old!) but incredibly competent and compassionate psychologist who listened to me and suggested things that might help. So what did I learn?

Firstly, to give myself a break! To try not to be the ‘people-pleaser’ I naturally want to be and to learn to say no. That doesn’t mean I lose my compassion or care any less, but to choose more carefully what I agree to do or volunteer for. To have permission to not try and do everything that everyone asks of me (or that I perceive they expect of me). 

Secondly, to have contingency plans. To have a group of friends who I know I can ask if I need help if I’m not up to doing something. Who can offer lifts or get shopping or post me a letter. It’s much easier not to worry if you have a Plan B!

Thirdly, mindfulness. Now I’ve always been a bit sceptical of this kind of thing, but the psychologist recommended a book called ‘Mindfulness, a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world’ by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. It’s an 8 week course in book form that comes with a CD of meditations/excercises. The idea is you read a chapter a week and practice the exercises daily. I remained sceptical. For the first 2 weeks I read the chapters and did the excercises and I felt ridiculous! I found the man’s voice on the audio highly irritating and I found my mind wandered…a lot! The book did say to expect this and I went back to the psychologist after 2 weeks and declared I felt no different. She encouraged me to stick with it…and gradually over the next fortnight I did start to feel different. The meditations were not so difficult and the man was slightly less irritating. I began to notice that my underlying anxiety was a bit less and the intense panicky feelings were less frequent. I stuck with it and the benefits continued to be apparent. My general anxiety continued to lessen and my mood improved. I felt more in control. 

The problem with mindfulness, like many other treatments or therapies, is that you have to keep doing it (a bit like needing to finish a course of antibiotics even though the earache has gone) and I’ve not been so good at that! 

So, am I fixed? Absolutely not. Do I have some tools to help me manage the anxiety better? Definitely. 

My advice, for what it’s worth, is don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’re struggling with thoughts and feelings. Talk to a friend initially if that’s easier for you. Speak to your GP or a specialist nurse if you have one and maybe try mindfulness and relaxation too, you might just be surprised, but most of all don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. It can happen to anyone and there are lots of things that can help. You are not alone.